“I loathe when people think that I’m shy rather than introverted. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being shy, I’m just not, and they are two separate things. People cajoling me into social situations try to assure me that I “don’t have to talk to everyone” or that…
(Source: red-sky)
I have this problem. I have this problem of setting my mind on people. And it’s like I do it, and my life immediately becomes so skewed. My interests and priorities change. My future becomes warped into something I could have previously never recognized for myself. It becomes this outlandish parallel universe that was created because I tripped on a crack or missed my train on my commute to work. Because meeting people is precisely that insignificant. And yet, when you put it in this spectrum, it can also create a whole new world. Sometimes it is a world of possibilities and laughs and memories, sometimes it is harshly the opposite and only the last option remains. Memories. And it’s foolish, because you would think, how can you make memories out of something, or someone so insignificant in the realm of this life? Someone who did not bother to associate you the same way that you associated them? And so I’m working on this. I’m working on being cold. All my life I’ve been told that I am far too soft, and far too naive, and so irreparably at the whim of other people that it prevents me from seeing myself clearly in the mirror. It baffles me that I have still not discovered how not to become defined by someone else. You would think that time alone could help you attain just that. Yet I have failed; I have failed at not salivating for someone’s graze on my arm or someone’s message to my phone or someone’s promising look aimed at my face. To me, this becomes the previously mentioned parallel universe. But in my fantasy, it becomes a universe where I wake up on time and catch my train and am eloquent with my bodily movements. I fail to recognize that people do not work this way, and you cannot rely on them so deeply, much like everyday life is never quite so smooth. Now my goal is to be rough and impermeable. I must recognize that people come as easily as they leave, no matter the scenarios in your head and no matter if you believe that you deserve an explanation or some single, lonely tear in their eye as they walk away from you. People do not do this. They sprint away, they disappear; and only reflect on your existence if they are bored or impaled by a similar sharp sword that they initially stabbed you with. And only a hopelessly vulnerable person could entertain such vulnerability because they confuse it with reciprocity of their pains. That might exist in a formulated parallel universe, but in a timely universe, it would come through other means. It would be far more genuine than is allotted currently. It would be softer and smoother, and yet everyone emphasizes how cold is the only way to be. And so with that, I vow to fix my problem starting with you, and June 1st is my deadline.
“Mad Girl’s Love Song”
